November 24, 2012

I was just thinking about you.

My mom died this morning. It happened suddenly, quickly, without pain, with her husband right there — all things to be very grateful for.

I’m grateful she had me, and cared for me as best as she could.

I’m grateful for the good things I got from her: her creativity, her determination, her love of having fun. Her intuition. Her ball-busting-ness. Jesus, could she bust some balls.

I’m especially grateful for the best thing I got from her: my brother.

I’m grateful that I called her recently and invited her to dinner with me, her husband, and mine. Even though she couldn’t accept.

I’m grateful that she knew I cared about her. Even though.

I’m grateful that I heard the news right away, and that I’ll be able to plan a service for her according to her wishes.

I’m grateful that she’s okay now. If there was any pain or distress in her life, I’m grateful that it has been relieved.

I’m grateful for Bill, for my dad and stepmom, and for the friends who have become my family.

I’m grateful for the condolences I’ve received and those I know will come.

I’m grateful for your patience with me over the next few weeks as I recover.

Thanks.

Love.

– Janice

9 Comments

  1. MyTwo Lines says:

    There aren’t any words. Just know I am thinking of you, and this is a beautiful tribute to your Mom (tearing up over here). Wishing I could give you a real hug, but please accept this internet (((((((HUG)))))))).

  2. ania says:

    I’m grateful for you, for the things you’re grateful for.

    I had to do a double take at the opening sentence….I think because when I read your posts about your mom, I read and fathom more than a few parallels with the relationship I had with mine. And when she died, suddenly, last year….well, that’s all still suspended in a dense humidity in my mind.

    You are absolutely in my thoughts and prayers.

    Please, please take care of and be gracious with yourself.

  3. Madeleine says:

    I’m very sorry Ms. Erlbaum. Please, do something awesome for yourself. You deserve it.
    I’m sorry about your mother. I hope all is well soon. You are in my thoughts.

  4. Janice says:

    MyT-Mite! Thanks for your many parenthesis, and for the note you sent. I know your own loss is still fresh, so I hope you don’t mind if I (((reciprocate))).

    Ania, thank you, and I’m sorry you experienced some of the same painful things around your mom’s death. “Suspended in dense humidity” is a great phrase, and a really apt one, too.

    And Ms. Madeleine! We are old friends by now. There is none of this Ms. shit between us! (I will, however, take your advice and do something awesome for myself. Thank you.)

  5. Stana says:

    Beautiful. Both of you. And your words & sentiment are perfect. She was awesome & flawed and I thank her for making one of my absolute favorite people on earth. I keep thinking of your place with her on 7th Ave near Flatbush in high school. I am grateful for all the things you have expressed. I weep with you. I will hug you soon my dear.

  6. Florence says:

    Dearest Janice, I am so sorry to hear this news. My most sincere condolences to you and your family. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do for you remotely. Love you, Florence

  7. Amy says:

    How are you doing? Sometimes people grieve more of the loss of what we wish the parent was, than the actual parent and that’s ok. Be gentle with yourself.

  8. grif says:

    I am sorry for your loss.

  9. Robin says:

    You don’t know me. I just finished reading “Have You Found Her” and have a lot to say about it. But for another time. My condolences to you and your family. I hope Mom lets you all know she is free and at peace now. You may feel her or sense her in subtle ways-signs you can only associate with her. I’m glad she got to see you grow up strong, giving and creative. Keep it up.
    Sincerely,
    Robin

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