June 24, 2013

Up’s what

Oh, lots. Endemic need to write vs. zero desire to communicate. I left Facebook a few months ago, deregistered my profile; I just had no more supply for the demand, and no more demand for the supply. It’s a terrific relief, fucking off — next time somebody suggests it to you, I suggest you try giving in. Drop the mic, and walk away. The feedback squeal carves a hollow echo, a there-not-there-not nothing-thing, the dropped plate circling on the floor, the musical calculus behind the ratio of sound to silence. A cough like a ghost, like a page with a ripped-out paper doll, all outline and air.

I reread my journals from 1995-1997 and then I had to stop. When I’m done with what I’m doing, I’m going to do something with them. It’s too bad I didn’t read them sooner, for instance in 1995 through 1997, because I kept telling myself the bald truth on every single page — I’m not in love with him and I never have been, I just don’t want to be alone — secure in the knowledge that I’d never reread it because writing it down meant I had confronted it and resolved it and now never needed to think about it again!

Now I’m writing and deleting things. Everything feels really pointless and shallow. I think I’m right about this. A lifelong game of Duck Duck Goose, all this forgiving and blaming, repainting the same wall. I think I’ll let it go for tonight.


  1. Satia says:

    I get a bit of a thrill when I know you’re busy writing and not updating your blog with good reason. Then I get a thrill when I see a blog post and read it and it’s your words all over the place.

    Color me thrilled today. :)

  2. Madeleine says:

    Happy to hear you’re writing again, I need something edgy and with no bullshit right now. Hope all is well, Ms Erlbaum.

  3. Sarah says:

    re: duck duck goose – forgiving and blaming – repainting the same wall
    to forgive a hurt before it’s fully developed means it wasn’t fully forgiven – forgive again, a different facet of the hurt, and keep on until it’s all gone
    to accept something was so much deeper for you than it was for the other person is tough
    repaint until it’s the right color – the one you can live with for a long time, but even then, it might not be forever

  4. Jasmine Elizabeth says:

    I really love your book!!<3

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