July 7, 2013
May 14, 1995
The day after Richard and I broke up, I woke up at 8 and put on my clothes and went over to his house and crawled into his bed. “I’m almost ready to go,” I announced. “Just one more hug.” He pulled my arm over him and gave my hand a kiss.
I went home and called Nathaniel. My voice was about six octaves lower than usual.
“We broke up, of course.”
“Oh, kid,” he said, very sympathetically. “It’ll be okay.”
“It’s for the best,” I said.
“Everything will work out.” We went back and forth like that for a while.
“The two of you will stay friends.”
“We care about each other a lot.”
Until we got to “Maybe one day he and I will get back together,” then he said, “Let me put Alex on the phone.”
“I’m sorry about your breakup,” said Alex politely and with spirit.
“Maybe I’ll meet a nice gay man.”
“What are you doing.”
“I’m going to meet my dealer. Tonight I’m going to Biblios, from where I’ll probably take home my friend Ward.”
“You’re so dramatic and tragic. I just love it.”
I went over to Hil’s where that guy Ira was strutting around in his undershirt. I dislike him a lot but that didn’t stop me from pouring out all my sorrow and crying in front of them both.
“I’m trusting my friends to tell me it looked shitty from the outside and it was bound to happen.”
So she says, “Janice, the relationship looked shitty from the outside, it was inevitable…”
Ward delivered the line, “You’re too beautiful to have to cry,” which was exactly what he’d been hired for. Kathy called him “Bambi,” and “the widdle widdle.” He is a lowercase poet. Really it was comic. The sex part was cursory, in the morning, idiotic grappling in the lowest sense. So why am I on my way to meet him now? Maybe this is just the perfect aversion therapy. I’ll really relish being alone. I’m writing about it already like fiction. Ward is so obvious. It would have shown much more maturity and better taste to have just flown it alone. I think I cried 3 times, 2x Thursday night (in bed), 1x Friday morning. How can the sight of me crying over Richard possibly be erotic. He danced around naked and told me about Ward in High School. I was somewhat diverted and charmed. He has good stories but he works them. Anyway, a trick is a trick, I would never mistake it for love.
Nathaniel wonders why he spends so much time groping his female friends, and why we only put up with it to a point. It was wrong of me to refer to him at the party as my auxiliary boyfriend. I was showing off and it was mean. Today (Sun.) he’s mad at me but I called him in time to head most of it off. Charming scene Fri night, spent all day moping degenerately and feeling smug and ridiculous.
On the freakout scale I am trying to judge. I think I never want to freak out again. I think I’m officially ready to quit freaking out forever. Can I be wrong about this? I’m getting much stronger. I’m not having a nervous breakdown, and if you would stop acting like I’m having a nervous breakdown and I’m giving you one too, we could both not be having nervous breakdowns. I’m sitting in our favorite seats next to the window. I guess they’re everybody’s favorite seats. When you sit here with Kathy do you pat her on the thigh. I hate you. I miss you. One way or the other I’m going to be okay.